Satan Humbled By Christian Bale’s Flattering Award Ceremony Speech


Well, yet another celebrity award ceremony has come and gone. But the 2019 Golden Globes award ceremony, best known for being recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as being the largest public circle-jerk in history, has confounded audiences with a new wrinkle, where few are usually seen (Meryl Streep being the notable exception). This year, celebrated actor and chain-smoker voice enthusiast Christian Bale was called onto the stage to be recognized as Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy for his portrayal of former Vice President Dick Cheney in the political biopic Vice. In a surprising move considering his handle, Christian went on to thank the Fallen Angel himself, Lucifer, for helping him to achieve what Broadway actors and high school drama students around the country consider to be an esteemed award, saying “Thank you to Satan for giving me the inspiration on how to play this role.”

The Lord of Lies graciously agreed to take some time away from his latest torture project, a human-centipede comprised of Stalin, Hitler, and the lead singer of Nickelback, to comment on this tremendous story. “Woah man, I mean, sure I did some consultation for Bale for a quick deal, but I didn’t know it was so he could portray Cheney! Shit, that guy shot a dude, and then had him apologize on international television for getting shot. Look, I pride myself on being the most evil creature known to original Creation and all, but I know when I’ve been bested.”

The noted adult goths, edgy teens, and mentally ill homeless people collectively known as the Church of Satan made a public statement, thanking Bale for his outspoken support for Mephistopheles, declaring that “To us, Satan is a symbol of pride, liberty, and individualism, and it serves as an external metaphorical projection of our highest personal potential. As Mr. Bale’s own talent and skill won him the award, this is fitting. Hail Christian! Hail Satan!” The rest of the world was not available for comment, as they are involved with things other than pretending to be someone else professionally or larping as dark wizards.

You can read more from William Gadsden on Think Liberty here.


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